i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so