My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.