“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Solving a traffic jam
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.