I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.