Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
You Might Also Like
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas