I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!