Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
You Might Also Like
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
broke down and did it
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Its true…
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!