[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.