You Might Also Like
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Cucumbers Anonymous
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.