I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Feels like the fourth month in January
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit