I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it