*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶