A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.