[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
every raccoon you see is currently on parole