No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.