my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
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– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
spicy snake
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.