Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Worth a try
Fight
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
🙋♀️
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory