Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
classic mixup
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If snakes were wide
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS