Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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I wanna be friends with this person
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO