I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here