What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
whatcha thinkin bout
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Breaking news:
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.