*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.