People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
You Might Also Like
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
my proudest tweet
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything