For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’m sorry…what?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling