I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.