I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
📽️movie date🎞️
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.