Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Thursday
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”