I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Care for your back
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…