I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO