[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You Might Also Like
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Cake safety first. Always.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down