doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Meow
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]