(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with