Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
You Might Also Like
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.