Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes