I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.