i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
You Might Also Like
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”