date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
#Caturday
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.