Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store