What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
🙅🏻
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Probably my best painting.