Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
relationship goals
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise