“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Husband of the year 😂
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
peak technology
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER