2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.