“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
hi why am I like this
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Namaste
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”