[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
You Might Also Like
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
hackers play passwordle
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
bury ourselves