seems fine
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else