11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?