Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”