I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.