Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Monday
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend