My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar